Billboard bollocks

The country in which I live is in an election year - well, an election month. Actually, we're in an election fortnight at the moment.

The city in which I live sits astride a river, and consequently has several bridges. This enables its citizens to move from one side of the river to the other as they go about their daily business without having to resort to boating or swimming.

Our clever politicians have found another use for our bridges, however. Any time there is any kind of election, when the polling day is near, the various candidates stand on the footpaths of the bridges during rush hour, waving their placards at motorists, and saying, "Hello, Good Morning," to those on foot.

What the fucking fuck is this for? Why the hell would I (or anyone else) be more likely to vote for someone because they do this? It's not like the general public is unaware an election is imminent, bloody billboards are everywhere, the TV ad campaign is stepping up, the parties even seem to have got down with the kids and are advertising on the nation's major trading site.

I had to walk past our incumbent (this word always makes me think of a cucumber, not too far wrong when it comes to intelligence) MP on Friday morning, I was so apoplectic with rage that I could only shake my head.

I wish I'd said:

• "Wow, yes, I've always thought that the ability to stand on a bridge smiling translates to excellent skills for helping to run a country. Consider yourself elected!"
• "Do you really think so little of your constituents that you imagine they will respond well to this?"
• "Furk if you sad pastic winker."
• "My daughter and I," (for I had her with me) "heartily thank you and your colleagues for my crippling student loan, and her future, more crippling student loan."

Actually, I don't wish I'd said any of those things.

I really wish I'd used the pram to tip her off the bridge.